Turmoil
rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with
a former worshiper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only
as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” in a
barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources
close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled
to have had this child.” In a press conference this morning, God issued a
vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed:, and that “the
facts of this story will come out in time, verily.”
Independent
counsel Robert M. Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department
to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may
have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the “Wise
men.” Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have
acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics
have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that
Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created
large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In
recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political
opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of
the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal
involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to
a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If
these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s
career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and
harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
“tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has
been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have
pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals,
and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” commandment
as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Stay tuned to CNN for further coverage.
To link to this blog post, please copy and paste this URL
https://tinyurl.com/y3a6r3oc
To link to this blog post, please copy and paste this URL
https://tinyurl.com/y3a6r3oc